I have been on a "diet" of some sort for most of my adult life, whether it be shakes, calorie counting, skipping meals, starvation (that didnt last very long though!) I binged, I tried making myself sick, only ate vegetables, the list is endless and has got me no where.
I have always been the "Fat Friend", granted I dont think any of my true close friends today would ever judge me on my size and my husband loves me for who I am, I've been at my biggest with him and smallest, he has never put me down or told me I'm fat, he's always been supportive of whatever fad I'm doing at the time but I've been ridiculed on nights out by strangers many a time and it knocks my confidence.
In fact my lowest point I had had my daughter about 5 weeks before and was in the middle of that sleep deprived, hormonal, first time mum stage, I had my best friend down for the weekend and we were going to the beach for the day. I pulled up at a petrol station, queued and when the guy in front looked like he was waiting for a different pump, I went to the one next to it, at which point he got out his car and started swearing and screaming at me about how he was waiting and I pushed in, now normally if I had been spoken to like a human being instead of screamed and ranted at, I would have pulled back out, apologised and let him go infront of me, but instead I sucked up a breath and started filling the car, at which point I had just about every single "fatism" thrown at me and apparently my need was greater than him for fuel because I had to get my fat arse to McDonalds, oh no wait they dont have an all you can eat there and other such delightful stuff.
I dont even like McDonalds!
At this point my friend was trying to launch herself at the guy and I finished paying and drove off in floods of tears, I had never been so humiliated in my life. The whole forecourt had witnessed it and I was mortified.
It has stayed with me to this day and probably always will. Why do people feel that its okay to abuse and publically humiliate others? Infact just last week I got told by a passing car whilst on my bike I needed to "peddle faster chunky!"
It's been a real struggle recently and my body just doesn't want to play ball. I'm not going to lie its upsetting me a lot and getting me down.
I either dont lose anything or gain, its a mystery as to why.
Ive seen my extremely helpful doctor who asked me if I was losing inches, to which I replied I had gone from a 22 to a 16/18 depending on where I shop, after my gain over last few weeks its more 18 again though :( and she basically didnt know what my problem was. How did she not get the fact that yay I've lost inches but theres still a lot of me and why the hell dont the friggin numbers change?!?! surely you lose dress sizes you should lose weight eventually! She did after a lot of begging do a blood test and everything there was A-OK.
I've tried adding in exercise, I've tried cutting out exercise, I've tried small plates, I've tried small meals, I've tried low syns, I've tried all my syns......I've tried calorie counting on apps such as My Fitness Pal, I dont even really drink anymore. I literally want to pull my hair out!!!! why cant I lose weight!?!?
I did SW before my daughter for about 18 months while trying to get pregnant as I think I knew deep down my weight was hindering our success concieving, sure enough I lost 5 and a half stone and TAAA DAAAA! we fell pregnant. So why is that since having my daughter its such a slow process, I go for weeks, months even, not losing anything, its soul destroying. Putting the effort in and getting nothing to show for it. Its taken me 2 and a half years to lose 3 stone. Its rediculous. I have seen people in my group lose 3 times that much and be at target. Its not fair. I just wish that I could get a definitive reason as to why my weight has come to a standstill with still so far to go, dont get me wrong though I dont begrudge people in their journeys by any means (little jealous maybe!) I would love to be that inspirational story that everyone wants to follow and support in, not gonna happen like this though is it ?! HA HA.
What if this is the reason though yet again we struggle to conceive? Its a harsh but true reality that may be the problem, but how do I go about solving it if I've tried all the solutions!
I know these posts arent like a lot of other foody blogs, but I do all my food pics on Instagram, I think I just need somewhere to vent my frustration.
Thanks for reading my ramblings, any suggestions feel free to leave a comment or go to my facebook page slimming world style and leave me some tips! I will try anything within reason.
xx
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