Why is this so hard?

I have been on a "diet" of some sort for most of my adult life, whether it be shakes, calorie counting, skipping meals, starvation (that didnt last very long though!) I binged, I tried making myself sick, only ate vegetables, the list is endless and has got me no where.

I have always been the "Fat Friend", granted I dont think any of my true close friends today would ever judge me on my size and my husband loves me for who I am, I've been at my biggest with him and smallest, he has never put me down or told me I'm fat, he's always been supportive of whatever fad I'm doing at the time but I've been ridiculed on nights out by strangers many a time and it knocks my confidence.
In fact my lowest point I had had my daughter about 5 weeks before and was in the middle of that sleep deprived, hormonal, first time mum stage, I had my best friend down for the weekend and we were going to the beach for the day. I pulled up at a petrol station, queued and when the guy in front looked like he was waiting for a different pump, I went to the one next to it, at which point he got out his car and started swearing and screaming at me about how he was waiting and I pushed in, now normally if I had been spoken to like a human being instead of screamed and ranted at, I would have pulled back out, apologised and let him go infront of me, but instead I sucked up a breath and started filling the car, at which point I had just about every single "fatism" thrown at me and apparently my need was greater than him for fuel because I had to get my fat arse to McDonalds, oh no wait they dont have an all you can eat there and other such delightful stuff.

I dont even like McDonalds!

At this point my friend was trying to launch herself at the guy and I finished paying and drove off in floods of tears, I had never been so humiliated in my life. The whole forecourt had witnessed it and I was mortified.

It has stayed with me to this day and probably always will. Why do people feel that its okay to abuse and publically humiliate others? Infact just last week I got told by a passing car whilst on my bike I needed to "peddle faster chunky!"

It's been a real struggle recently and my body just doesn't want to play ball. I'm not going to lie its upsetting me a lot and getting me down.
I either dont lose anything or gain, its a mystery as to why.
Ive seen my extremely helpful doctor who asked me if I was losing inches, to which I replied I had gone from a 22 to a 16/18 depending on where I shop, after my gain over last few weeks its more 18 again though :( and she basically didnt know what my problem was. How did she not get the fact that yay I've lost inches but theres still a lot of me and why the hell dont the friggin numbers change?!?! surely you lose dress sizes you should lose weight eventually! She did after a lot of begging do a blood test and everything there was A-OK.
I've tried adding in exercise, I've tried cutting out exercise, I've tried small plates, I've tried small meals, I've tried low syns, I've tried all my syns......I've tried calorie counting on apps such as My Fitness Pal, I dont even really drink anymore. I literally want to pull my hair out!!!! why cant I lose weight!?!?

I did SW before my daughter for about 18 months while trying to get pregnant as I think I knew deep down my weight was hindering our success concieving, sure enough I lost 5 and a half stone and TAAA DAAAA! we fell pregnant. So why is that since having my daughter its such a slow process, I go for weeks, months even, not losing anything, its soul destroying. Putting the effort in and getting nothing to show for it. Its taken me 2 and a half years to lose 3 stone. Its rediculous. I have seen people in my group lose 3 times that much and be at target. Its not fair. I just wish that I could get a definitive reason as to why my weight has come to a standstill with still so far to go, dont get me wrong though I dont begrudge people in their journeys by any means (little jealous maybe!) I would love to be that inspirational story that everyone wants to follow and support in, not gonna happen like this though is it ?! HA HA.

What if this is the reason though yet again we struggle to conceive? Its a harsh but true reality that may be the problem, but how do I go about solving it if I've tried all the solutions!

I know these posts arent like a lot of other foody blogs, but I do all my food pics on Instagram, I think I just need somewhere to vent my frustration.

Thanks for reading my ramblings, any suggestions feel free to leave a comment or go to my facebook page slimming world style and leave me some tips! I will try anything within reason.

xx

And so she returns from outer space, well cyber space at least!

Okay so realising when I was reading back through some of my old blogs, I've not actually blogged for nearly a year... a whole year!

I bet you're all thinking "ahhh she must be nearly at target" "ooh I bet shes been really good and lost tons of weight" or more probably "ooh that's the random girl who I used to read but then she got lazy and I stopped reading as she stopped posting...."
Well you would be right in one of those, and its the last one! I'm no closer to my target and I haven't lost tons of weight either, well actually I should rephrase that slightly, I HAD lost a stone since my last post, then my husband came back from a nine month world deployment and basically I spent the weeks that followed catching up on missed takeaways and a few date nights, social events and a very wonderful all inclusive holiday to Egypt. Therefore all that stone got put back on again! This has totally annoyed me (although i enjoyed at the time!!!)

So here I am, I have been inspired by a friend of mine who has recently started blogging and my husband said to me could I not start ranting abut my weight journey on here again, I think he may be getting fed up with me banging on about it all the time!

So let me get you up to speed.....

I now have an instagram account which I use every day to instablog my food pics, my user name is

1_pound_at_a_time

I find instagram really helpful, its full of amazing ideas and food related stuffs, I've picked up some great recipes and tips etc on there, so come follow me, I follow back pretty much everyone slimming world related unless you're selling me juice diets and wraps, thats a no go lol!
Its also a great place for fitness ideas and I'm trying to incorporate some clean eating into my diet now too, some days are better than others, but there's loads of inspiration on there for that too.

I had a few months around christmas where I just couldn't focus properly on my dieting and I decided in mid jan to give it a rest for a bit, get the homecoming out the way and then knuckle back down again when things were more settled and hopefully my body will kick start itself again. That was the theory anyway.

I rejoined my SW group on the 28th March I think it was and I've lost a grand total of .....

Two pounds.........

I could cry!

It's proving to be so damn difficult to get my body to shift this lard, I could understand if I was close to target but to this date I still need to lose a staggering 5 stone and 13lbs!!!!!!!
I had lost 3 and a half stone but put a few pounds back on hence the restarting.

I'm currently in the process of trying different things to help with my weightloss, I had started the C25K podcasts the week before last, put half a pound on come weigh in, had a hissybitchfit about it and didnt go out again, buuuuut....I'm going to restart week 1 tomorrow as I actually really enjoyed it.
I'm going to cut down my caffine intake and try and drink more water and herbal teas as I drink faaaaar too much caffine.
I'm going to focus more on some clean eating and healthy fats. As SW is low fat, I thought I might invest in some healthy fats as either HE's or use my syns on things such as almond or cashew butters, coconut oil for cooking rather than frylight, flax seeds etc, as I was having a consultation not so long ago with a personal dietian and she said I dont eat enough of these types of fats and it may slow down my metabolism especially as I dont like fish. Hey it can only help I guess!

Theres one massive contributing factor in my need for weight loss..... BABIES!!!
Well, Baby, not multiple babies...eeeek! We have decided to go for another and this time I want to be more in control and be healthier, the thought of gaining 5st again scares the beejeezus out of me and I don't want the health issues that come with it, I'm STILL trying to lose the weight I gained with my daughter 3 years ago! I've been told the SPD that I suffered with first time round will undoubtably come back and quicker and worse. If i can lose weight while trying and then when I fall I hope this will help it a bit especially as I will have an extremely active 3 year old to contend with too and lounging on a sofa all day will not cut it with her!

So there we have it, I'm back and thats me pretty much up to date I think as to where I am now so I hope you come back and share my journey again and help me through it

xx